


you're all i need

by iwritetrash



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Angst, Falling In Love, M/M, Marijuana, Pining Alex, Unhappy Ending, these boys don't know what communication is
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-30
Updated: 2017-07-30
Packaged: 2018-12-07 17:04:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,220
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11627976
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/iwritetrash/pseuds/iwritetrash
Summary: Alex is falling in love with his best friend, but John doesn't even seem to notice at all.





	you're all i need

**Author's Note:**

> I'd recommend listening to fallingforyou by The 1975 as you read, because that's kind of what I was going for?

It starts when Alex is 13, and John is 14. They’ve been friends since Alex moved to this shitty town in South Carolina with his mum and his brother, even though John is the year above him at school, ever since the day when John first saw him sitting on the swing-set in the park, all alone even though he was only seven years old. A lot has changed since then, they’ve both lost and hurt and grown, but one thing that hadn’t changed was their friendship.

When John is 14 he tells Alex that he thinks he might be gay, and Alex hugs him because they both know what John’s dad would say if he knew. A year later Alex tells John he’s bisexual, and John hugs him as well, but it’s not to comfort him, because he knows Alex’s mum isn’t like John’s dad. It’s just a hug to tell Alex he’s there for him.

Alex doesn’t realise he’s caught feelings until he’s 16 and John is 17. He remembers the exact moment, on his sixteenth birthday, when John came over to sit and eat takeaway pizza and watch shitty old films, when Alex looked over at him and suddenly it was like it all fell into place. Maybe it was the precise way the light hits John’s face and illuminates all his freckles, or the way he’d let his hair out of its ponytail to fall to his shoulders in a mess of tight curls, or that beautiful smile, or the way he seemed to look gorgeous even in a t-shirt and sweatpants, but whatever it is, Alex suddenly realises he’s in deep.

Alex doesn’t fall in love with John in that moment, because that would be impossible to do when he’s already been in love with him for years. He just realises it suddenly, and it’s not some great epiphany, it’s just a moment where his heart goes “oh, that’s right, it’s you,” and all the puzzle pieces fall into place.

Alex holds it all in, because he doesn’t want to mess up the brilliant, wonderful, perfect friendship he has with John, even while his heart cries out for just a little bit more.

It’s going pretty well, surprisingly enough, until John’s 18th birthday rolls around, and Alex suddenly realises how quickly the time he has with John is ticking away. 

John throws a party at his house, mainly just to piss off his dad, but he drags Alex away to the rooftop before he can even grab a drink. John’s house is nice, and it’s a good distance from the busy city centre, so on a clear night, if you look hard enough, you can just make out the stars. That’s why John brings Alex up there, spreading out a blanket on the rooftop and pulling Alex down to sit next to him.

John lights up a joint, another habit he’s picked up to piss off his dad, and takes a deep drag, the end glowing brightly in the darkness. When John exhales slowly, breathing out the smoke into the night air Alex can’t help but fixate unhealthily on John’s lips. His eyes flutter closed briefly as he exhales the last of the smoke, his lips hanging in a sinful half-pout, before he offers the joint to Alex with a warm smile.

Alex has never considered himself a stoner, but if John is getting high then he figures he’ll join him. He takes a quick drag, and is a little embarrassed by the way he coughs as he attempts the smooth exhale John seems to have mastered.

John chuckles a little as Alex passes back the joint, before doing that sinful thing with his lips again, and _god_ , Alex is done for.

They chat mindlessly about nothing in particular. John smokes the rest of the joint pretty quickly, but Alex turns down another hit. He wants to remember this moment, with John, under the stars with those freckles, and those eyes, and those lips.

He’s not sure how they end up holding hands, or how John ends up leaning against him with a soft grin. Alex thinks maybe it’s just the weed, but when John looks up it him his gaze is clear, focused. He’s been smoking too often if that joint didn’t do anything to him.

John shifts slightly, turning to face Alex so that his breath is washing gently over his cheek, leaning in close enough that Alex knows if he turned his head his lips would brush John’s. It’s oh so tempting, and Alex can’t help but slowly turn his head until their lips meet, pushing gently into John’s lips so he knows it isn’t just an accident. For a moment, just a moment, he feels John push gently back against his lips, and then he’s pulling away from Alex, frowning slightly as his fingers come up to just brush against the lips he’d just kissed.

There’s a few beats of silence before John speaks, and he sounds so uncertain, so worried he might break Alex’s heart, that Alex jumps in quickly to say it as a mistake, that is meant nothing, it was probably just the weed – that one drag – and that John shouldn’t worry about it.

But in that moment Alex feels it all well up inside him, as though he finally understands what people have been singing about all these years, and he wants to scream at John, to yell “I DON’T WANT TO BE YOUR FRIEND”.

But he keeps his mouth shut because it’s better this way.

John doesn’t mention it the next day, or the day after that, or the day after that, and Alex knows that’s a good thing, but he can’t help the way his heart aches for John to acknowledge him, to acknowledge how he feels. John doesn’t.

A few months pass of Alex drifting through some peculiar space of being John’s friend and yet knowing that it will never be enough to just be his friend. His pining seems to have gotten so much worse than the months between his birthday and John’s, because he’s had a taste, just for a moment, and now it’s like he’s hooked on whatever addictive substance coats John’s lips, willing to do anything for another hit.

New Year rolls around eventually, and Alex and John spend it the way they’ve spent it for the last six years, sat in Alex’s room watching the ball drop, only this year Alex wants nothing more to pull John in for a New Year kiss. He doesn’t.

He grins and wishes John a Happy New Year and finishes his drink, before grabbing John’s hand and squeezing it. John squeezes back, and it’s somehow too much and not enough at the same time. Alex can’t tell if it’s the alcohol in his veins or John that’s making the whole world turn a little hazy around him.

 _Can’t you see?_ Alex wants to ask, _can’t you see how much I want you? How much I need you?_

John cracks some joke Alex doesn’t hear because he’s too busy trying to memorise every inch of John’s face, and Alex forces a laugh, trying not to focus on how their hands are still linked together.

_Maybe he’ll change his mind. Maybe one day._

_Maybe._


End file.
